Round 5....who would have thought!

At the end of this month we will start the protocol for our 5th round of fertility treatments with our 4th frozen embryo transfer. When we started I never ever thought we'd be here today but we are.

It is very scary to think about doing this again after the devastation of the last cycle. Michael and I both want to have children and want to try again with our little frozen embryos but he's scared of what a bad outcome could do to me and so am I!

Once again all I can think to do is take it step by step and trust God. The protocol looks like this:

Step 1-take birth control pills AGAIN...ah the irony!

Step 2-start suprefact injections for suppression....this stuff has been called 'menopause in a bottle'...yup it shuts down your reproductive system so all is nice and quiet and can be built up with MORE DRUGS.

Step 3-ultrasound and bloodwork to make sure everything is suppressed.

Step 4-continue suprefact and add in heparin injections and estrogen. Now up to 3 pokes daily...good thing I got a box of 100 needles.

Step 5-Fly to Victoria for IV intralipids, blood work, and ultrasound. If all looks good on to the next step

Step 5-stop suprefact, continue Estrace and heparin, start medrol (steroid), prometrium (progesterone), and cipro (anti-biotic).

Step 6-fly back to Victoria for IV intralipids, buscopan and valium to stop uterus from cramping, have 2 embryos transfered, one day of bed rest then fly back home.
Step 7-the dreaded wait for the pregnancy test. Follow all instructions, no exercise, no baths, no swimming, no sex...fun times. Continue regime of heparin injections and swallowing and inserting assorted meds 5 times a day.

Step 8-get blood work to check beta hcg

Step 9-go crazy waiting for clinic to phone with results

ONE STEP AT A TIME RIGHT?

Imagine NOT needing IVF...

I'm trying to wrap my head around doing another FET cycle...we want to but when I think about calling the clinic I can't quite do it yet. Then I started day dreaming about what it would be like to get pregnant without IVF. Imagine just being intimate with my husband and a few weeks later finding out I'm pregnant then 9 months later holding a baby in my arms. No cost, no needles, no drugs, no doctors, no pills, no IVs, no flights to the clinic, no bedrest in a hotel, no traveling alone. Then I think God must have some purpose in this journey and he'll give me the courage to do it again. If we end up with a baby in our arms it will all be worth it...maybe the possibility of that is enough to do it again.

IVF is tough to do repeatedly but then again it can bring precious lives into our families too so maybe it's a pretty good thing.

The Round 4 Saga

I just realized I haven't updated here for a long time. IVF cycle #4 which was our third embryo transfer happened in June/July 2011. I'll post more thoughs another time but basically we got a low positive which was worrisome, asked everyone to pray for a miracle then for a week or so the betas were tripling and we thought we'd gotten our miracle. THEN the betas got all wonky and the clinic kept saying they thought it wasn't a viable pregnancy. Many people continued to pray and eventually the ultrasound showed no pregnancy in my uterus but rising beta hcg so the babies were growing but we weren't sure where. It was a "pregnancy of unknow location". I prayed for God to end it naturally and my worst fear happened...I had to take methotrexate to end the pregnancy. It was a horrifying end to a much wanted pregnancy.

Then came the aftermath of grief, sadness, and depression that made life feel unbearable.

The last couple of weeks I've started to feel a bit better...there's lots of holes to fill in this story. I'll have to get on that.

FET #3 aka "round 4" is coming very soon!

I arrived in Victoria last week and went straight to the fertility clinic. The ultrasound showed my lining was too thin for transfer so I had to increase some meds, and head over to Vancouver to visit Elana and Marcos.

It was a loooong journey to get from the clinic to their house via public transit. It actually took 6 hours in total! For my trip back on Monday I rented a car which is way more expensive to take on the ferry, but way easier. The next ultrasound on Monday showed the lining was a bit thicker, not great but good enough for transfer.

Another problem that came up was that I'd been having cramping in my uterus which the doctor could see on the ultrasound. I thought it was because of the meds but apparently it just happens sometimes. This did make me panic a bit as I pictured my uterus contracting and shooting the little embryos out. I'm still cramping today, nothing I can do about it like all the rest of this.

The doctor is going to give me valium and buscopan before the transfer and these are both supposed to stop the cramping so that the little embryos can snuggle in and implant.

I really hope this works because I never want to do this again!!

Happy for problems!

I'm so happy that I have a doctor who did all the testing to see what may be stopping us from having a sucessful pregnancy. At first it looked like conception was the only problem, but then even when they fertilized the egg for us and we had perfect embryos they didn't implant, or they started to implant and then stopped. Then there is our only natural conception that ended in early miscarriage.

It may sound strange but I'm happy to have problems that can be treated and to know about them now rather than getting pregnant easily and having more losses. Women with pcos have a higher risk of miscarriage and tend to have poorer outcomes with IVF but taking Metformin during the first trimester helps. I have the prothrombin gene that causes increased clotting, miscarriage, and other pregnancy complications, but I can take injections of blood thinners before, during, and after pregnancy to prevent them. Women with hypothyroidism have higher risk of miscarriage, but my TSH levels are monitored closely and I can take a hormone to keep the levels normal.

It doesn't feel great to have a bunch of problems, but I'm so happy they are treatable. I was reading something about pregnancy needing to be treated as a natural, normal part of life, not as a medical concern and that natural childbirth etc is the best. I seriously could care less about whether a pregancy is "natural" or not. If I get pregnant and give birth it will take some major medical help to get pregnant and stay pregnant and I'm super thankful that it is available. If I am so blessed to get pregnant I will be 36 years old (advanced maternal age they say) and looking for a medical doctor to closely monitor all aspects of the pregnancy.. God bless the midwives who help women do everything naturally...but for me there is nothing natural about any of it and all that matters is the end result!

Emotional Roller Coaster....going up!

Well this whole thing has been such an emotional roller coaster and it's so strange for normally even keeled me to be feeling such crazy ups and downs. Yep...crying, anxiety, insomnia, hopefullness, peace, despair and more.

My trip to Victoria was really good this week. I had been soo nervous for some of the procedures and just generally anxious and stressed and not sleeping, then feeler more peaceful closer to the travel date.

Everything actually ended up being quite smooth and easy and I'm so happy about that. I was so blessed with a family in Victoria that invited me to stay at their house. I'd been dialoging with this lady via an ivf site that had a support thread for patients of my clinic, we'd "met" online in the summer and then in person in January. She and her husband have a beautiful 5 week old baby girl that was conceived at my fertility clinic and is the product of a frozen embryo transfer. This couple were so nice to me. I got picked up at the airport, had dinner at their house, and got a ride to the clinic in the morning.

At the clinic the doctor met me in the waiting room and told me they were running a bit behind but would be with me shortly. I was surprised when a few minutes later they were leading me into the procedure room saying "you know what to do...undress etc". I reminded them that my appointment wasn't for another hour and I'd come early to get some drugs. I was NOT ready for any procedures on the spot with no meds!! Thankfully they gave me my drugs and let me chill out next door for a while. I must say that the combination of tylenol, ativan, and gravol was super relaxing and AWESOME!!

When I went back into the procedure room they did the sonohysterogram, then warned me about the biopsy part that was supposed to hurt....it was FINE! I plan to take tylenol before any and every visit to the clinic from now on and maybe throw in some gravol too. It was the first visit that I've had there that wasn't totally uncomfortable.

After the biopsy I got to go back to the other room for my IV of intralipids and thanks to the freezing before the IV that was a breeze too. I was almost falling asleep during tht intralipids except for the blood pressure cuff that would turn on and squeeze my arm every 5 minutes.

So the doctor said the sonohysterogram showed no abnormalities in my uterus and basically no stone is left unturned. I reviewed my procotol and the herparin injections with the nurse and we should be ready to go next week.

I'm feeling good and kind of hopeful about this working...but then again I've felt that way 3 times before with no success so am I crazy to be hopeful????

Prenatal vitamins?

At my doctor's request I have been taking prenatal vitamins since last May. Other pills I can stop in between treatment cycles but the prenatal vitamins must be continued. Well it's now been an entire year of them! I must admit I'm not very enthusiastic about taking them any more. I started off taking the 3 times a day one that the guy at the health food store said were really good. Once I saw what it was like to be taking 9 other pills 2-5 times a day plus injections I decided that once a day Centrum materna vitamins were a better idea. I'm now on to random cheapo once a days. Seeing at bottle of prenatal vitamins when you've unsuccessful been trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant for 7 years is kind of depressing. Ok well then optimistic me says at least they're good for me regardless!

I'm also exhausted all the time and I can't sleep. I feel like going to sleep at 7pm every day. This must be what it feels like when you're pregnant or have a new baby that doesn't sleep at night...except I don't.

Ok well this is one of the most depressing blog posts I've written....just ramblings of a woman who needs to go to sleep! 8:15 pm...good night.

Gene mutations?

My doctor recently let me know that he got more test results back and I have the prothrombin gene mutation which puts me at risk for developing a deep vein thrombis and higher risk for miscarriage and other pregnancy complications.

I did some reading about it and found out that it mainly occurs in Caucasian people and is most common in Spain. I inherited this mutation from one of my parents and they are both from Spain....how interesting. The good thing is that it is treatable with injections of Heparin which is a blood thinner. My doctor was going to have me on heparin anyways but now I get to start it sooner and if I should get pregnant I'll be staying on it I think.

I am not a fan of more injections but I am very happy to know about this problem and will gladly do them if it means helping the embyos implant and helping a pregnancy to continue.

Why am I doing this?

Sometimes I think I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard and just ends in more pain and loss. So why am I doing this for the 4th time? I think the only reason now is for our 6 embryos. They are precious little lives that I hope will make it into our arms. If not for them I think I'd be so done with this treatment.

But here we go....round 4 is coming soon! The doctor was so happy I was ovulating last month so he suggested we try to get pregnant on our own. The chances of that are slim but I thought ok if he thinks so and well God can do anything right? I didn't tell anyone but I secretely prayed for a miraculous natural pregnancy. Well no such luck. My doctor instructed me to take my temperature every morning, last month I had a nice clear ovulatory pattern-YAY. This month it was all over the place, i had some hope that maybe the temps were just off due to some irregular sleeping so I asked the clinic what to do and they sent me for bloodwork. The blood work on Friday showed I'm not ovulating at all now and several hormones are too high or too low. The solution for all this is of course MORE MEDICATIONS and birth control pills again. For someone who is trying to get pregnant I sure do take a lot of birth control pills!

The only nice thing about birth control pills is that it makes the timing of everything way easier. I will be flying back to Victoria on May 31 for my appointment on June 1st to have some lovely procedures that are supposed to help my embryos implant. Then back home to start the estrace and heparin injections on June 7th. I just realized that May 31st is our 14th wedding anniversary. Nothing like going alone to a fertility clinic so another man can investigate your uterus instead of celebrating your anniversary with your husband!! Ok well at least it gives us some kind of way grow our family and we can of course celebrate the anniversary on the 30th instead.

They say a mother will do anything for her children...well if we are so blessed to have one of these embryos make it into our arms I guess it will have started long before their birth. Oh Lord please let our little ones live and grow and grow and grow!!

Letting go of Timelines

I remember a loong time ago when I hoped to have my first child by the time I was 30.
I remember on Mother's Day 2005 when I'd a miscarriage a few weeks before. I hoped to have another baby or at least be pregnant by the next Mother's Day. I did not have a baby in 2005 or 2006 or 2007 or 2008 or 2009. On Mother's Day 2010 I was so excited to be starting IVF# 1 soon. I really hoped for it to work so I would have a baby that year. I didn't happen in 2010 and it won't be happening in 2011 either.

You know what? I don't care about any timelines anymore. If I am so blessed to give birth to a baby in 2012 I will be thrilled....who cares how old I am!

This Mother's Day I will remember that I'm a mother of 5 precious little ones in heavan and I hope that by some miracle I will one day have a little one in our home.

Lessons Learned

Well this past year of doing these treatments has been so much harder than I ever would have thought. The loss of IVF embryos is so painful it actually feels the same as the miscarriage I had. No one else in my life my get it but to me losing those little ones hurts as much whether they implant or not. When I see them on screen, I know they have all their DNA, their gender, they are alive, and they have already been growing each day. Each day they are inside of me I hope for them, and pray for them, and wonder what they will grow up to be. With our loss at 7 weeks the doctor called it a miscarriage, people said "sorry for your loss", When one of our embryos implanted in October and we got a brief positive, the doctor called a chemical pregnancy, when we lost 2 embryos in January that never implanted at all the doctor called a failed IVF. All the experiences felt exactly the same to me. I actually knew about our IVF embryos being there inside me for longer than I knew about the baby we lost at 7 weeks...that one I only knew about for 1 week.

The grief and sadness of all of these losses was the same but I never felt like I could talk about it to anyone. Then a few weeks ago I was online connecting with other womne who have been through the same thing and we were talking about the loss of IVF embryos and other pregnancy losses. They too felt the same as me and I felt better just knowing my feelings were normal. I still feel sad over the losses and I know it's ok. They were not just embryos, they were a miraculous product of my husband and I, they were our children and I wanted them to live.

Anxiety?

I'm normally a pretty hopeful and easy going person but I must admit that this IVF stuff has been making me very anxious. I can start feeling anxious and then it can last for days and be there 24/7.

I was feeling ok until I had my phone consult with the doctor last week. The conversation was ok and then after I got off the phone with him I felt very anxious...it actually surprised me. It was the same a few days later when I went to the phamacy to order my meds and they gave me a huge bag of needles. What put me way over the edge was reading online about the endometrial biopsy and some people's very bad experiences with it. This brought on full on panic, I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I'm sooo anxious and nothing I can do will bring it down not prayer or anything else. The anxiety was there all the time and I know my thoughts were not helping at all. I tried to pray and figure out how to deal with it but I wasn't getting anywhere.

This week met with a counselor to get some strategies to deal with anxiety. She is Christian psychologist and she actually was really helpful in giving me some practical strategies to deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety, my thoughts, and how my faith relates.

It felt better just to know there were somethings to try, I started trying them in the night when I woke up and couldn't sleep. I did some of the breathing exercises, and other techniques that slowed and calmed me down, then focused on the things that I know and are good about myself, my life, and Jesus...who he is in my life.

The anxiety is sitll there but way less so that's good! We decided I'd meet with her again only if I felt I needed it. Hopefully I won't end up back there in a couple of months asking for help with processsing grief!!

Well it's a day off today (Good Friday) and time to focus my thoughts on Jesus my awesome saviour who gave his life for mine!

Where is the Lord in all this?

People who know me know that I believe in Jesus and worship the Lord. Recently my mom was telling me that some of her friends who aren't believers have been asking her about why if I worship God and believe in Him and pray for this to work, why isn't it? They are basically trying to say God isn't real or isn't helping me.

It has been hard each time I have prayed for my little embryos to live and grow and they have not. It's more than hard actually, it's devastating to lose them and to feel like God could have helped them to live but did not. I really don't understand, but very painful and difficult things happen all the time to all kinds of people even those that worship the Lord and pray for his help.

Even though each time in my pain and grief I have questioned my faith and felt like I had none left, at the same time I have also felt His comfort and love close to me. I'm not sure what he's doing in this area of my life but I do still believe that he loves me and he is with me and he is good.

It is however scary to think about doing this again. I know when I see my next two embryos I will pray for them to grow and live inside of me. How can I not? They are a miraculous product of my husband and I, they are our children.

Round 4!

Well it looks like we're going to try again. My test results are back, I have slight immune issues and a prothrombin gene mutation that causes clotting problems. The solution to this is to have the sonohysterogram and biopsy in May along with an IV intralipids infusion. Then in June I'll start aspirin, estrace, and twice daily heparin injections for a coulple of weeks, then head out to BC for ultrasound/bloodwork/visit to my friend in Vancouver. If all looks good I get to also add in cipro, medrol, and prometrium, of course still continuing the synthroid, metformin, estrace, aspirin, heparin and prenatal vitamins. Yes it will apparently take TEN medications, one biopsy, and two intralipid infusions for me to have a baby. Not exactly natural huh?


I've been totally freaked out about the endometrial biopsy after reading some women's horror story experiences online. Why in the world would a doctor think it's a good idea to do a biopsy with no meds offered except 'take a few advil before you come'. Some women find it not too bad but so far all my other experiences with people poking at my cervix/uterus/ovaries have been alot worse than described. So when this one is actually described as painful in the literature they sent me I pretty much panicked. Nothing like worrying about something a month ahead of time!!

I felt like my doctor would think i was being silly but I emailed him to tell him I felt anxious about it. I emailed him on Saturday night and he replied back on Sunday morning....how awesome is that! He was actually very nice and said I could come in an hour before my appointment and get some ativan, tylenol, and gravol. Hopefully this makes it ok!

The anxiety I'm feeling with this cycle is not good. I felt sick after I talked to the doctor to set up my timelines, then again when i went to the pharmacy to order my meds. I'm going to try not to think about it so much and fill my mind with good things. Psalm 23 has helped me out lately....it's like an anti-anxiety Psalm for me at the moment.

The Journey Continues

Well round 3 ended badly too. We transferred two more apparently perfect embryos on January 27 and on February 8 we got the pregnancy test results-Negative. Two more gone and six still waiting for us. I've had a bit of time now to process what happened but initially it was very devastating.

My doctor said since we've now transfered 4 good quality embryos and everything looked good inside me that he's wondering if my immune system is preventing the embryos from implanting. So off I went for more bloodwork. The first lab said i had to go to the hospital, the hospital said I had to come back when I was fasting (even though my doctor had said I didn't). Eventually on the 3rd try I was able to get about 20 vials of blood taken. The doctor got my results and everything looked ok. I had two immune related areas that were very slightly elevated which may or may not indicate a problem. Dr. H. said though that the treatments for immune issues don't pose any risk so we may as well do it all at this point.

So the new plan is for me to chart my daily temps and email it to him, talk again in a month to plan out the timeline. I'll have to go to Victoria for a sonohysterogram, and biopsy which will check for inflammation and help implantation, and also get an IV intralpid infusion which lowers the immune system to also help implantation. Then I'll come home and start the meds for the next transfer. Then I'll go back to Victoria the next month, have the embryo transfer, another intralipid infusion, and start Heparin injections until the pregnancy test.

The good thing is I'm totally over my needle phobia. Not over my endometrial biopsy with only advil for pain relief phobia though!!

I must say I'm very happy with Dr. H. He is always available by email and phone and it feels like he's willing to take all the time I need even when I know he's super busy getting ready go out of town. He's also so easy and comfortable to talk to. Too bad he's a plane ride away!

Well I've pretty much lost all enthusiasm for fertility treatments at this point. I'm in it still because of our embryos, I do want them to make it but I'm losing hope that they will.