Wednesday, June 30, 2010
peace? hope?
This whole journey of trying to become parents has been a whole lot longer and more difficult than I ever would have thought. We've long ago stopped trying to do anything to conceive, then also stopped doing anything to try to adopt either. Trying to conceive over years with known issues is not fun...so anyone who says "at least you can have fun trying" has no idea. So we stopped trying and just enjoyed our relationship. So with going to IVF now it is strange to have a pretty decent chance of actually conceiving and even having a choice in the timing of it. At first I was way to scared to let myself even hope this might work. Now I know it may or may not work but I'm letting myself hope that it will. I'm letting myself think a little bit about us actually having a baby. It is strange to even type that phrase. Like when the doctor told me to start taking a prenatal vitamin to "prepare for getting pregnant". It's like only other people get pregnant and have babies...not us. But I hope we do and I find peace in knowing God is with us no matter what. He sees us, he knows us, and he cares about the desires of our heart.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Can't think of a title LOL
Well looks like I kinda messed up. I was supposed to start birth control pills on day 3 and go for bloodwork on day 2-5 they told me. I emailed on day one and asked for the requisition to be sent to the lab so I could I thought go on Monday (day 4). I didn't hear back from them on Friday so as directed I started bcps on Sunday. Turns out on Monday that the bloodwork had to be done BEFORE starting the bcps...oops they didn't exactly make that clear. They said it was ok as everything else looked good. Ah well I avoided one poke!
I got the consents and protocol this week. Lots to think about with the consents...like should we limited how many eggs are fertilized, what happens to extra embryos, what happens to them if we die, or our relationship 'terminates"? We don't anticipate those happening but we have to decide what to do..freeze them, donate them to research, let the clinic destroy them. A lot depends on whether or not you view an embryo or a fetus for that matter as a human life. (I do) If we got pregnant with more than twins our clinic would recommend aborting one of the babies. There are ways to avoid multiple births and we will be looking closely at them....no worries I will be having one or two at the most embryos transfered. Still all kinds of things to consider.
I was happy that due to my pcos my drug protocol calls for lower doses of meds and it looks like fewer injectables than I might have thought. Fewer meds also means lower cost which is great as these meds are super crazy expensive. It looks like I get to just stay on bcps for a while and don't start any injections until July 26! This is good as for some protocols you do bcps then add in an injectable medication to help suppress your ovaries while continuing the bcps, then start more injections to stim. I only have the bcps for suppression then do the stims from July 26 for about 12-14 days. The clinic said they're shipping the meds on Tuesday and they come with a DVD and are straightforward...still nervous!
Ok next step...doctors appointment on Monday for a lovely exam and probably more bloodwork...getting used to the bloodwork now I think.
I can do this right?
I got the consents and protocol this week. Lots to think about with the consents...like should we limited how many eggs are fertilized, what happens to extra embryos, what happens to them if we die, or our relationship 'terminates"? We don't anticipate those happening but we have to decide what to do..freeze them, donate them to research, let the clinic destroy them. A lot depends on whether or not you view an embryo or a fetus for that matter as a human life. (I do) If we got pregnant with more than twins our clinic would recommend aborting one of the babies. There are ways to avoid multiple births and we will be looking closely at them....no worries I will be having one or two at the most embryos transfered. Still all kinds of things to consider.
I was happy that due to my pcos my drug protocol calls for lower doses of meds and it looks like fewer injectables than I might have thought. Fewer meds also means lower cost which is great as these meds are super crazy expensive. It looks like I get to just stay on bcps for a while and don't start any injections until July 26! This is good as for some protocols you do bcps then add in an injectable medication to help suppress your ovaries while continuing the bcps, then start more injections to stim. I only have the bcps for suppression then do the stims from July 26 for about 12-14 days. The clinic said they're shipping the meds on Tuesday and they come with a DVD and are straightforward...still nervous!
Ok next step...doctors appointment on Monday for a lovely exam and probably more bloodwork...getting used to the bloodwork now I think.
I can do this right?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
No more chances
I got an email from my doctor saying my progesterone showed I had ovulated and should have gotten my period, or be getting one soon or be pregnant. NOPE I am not pregnant and I have just taken my first birth control pill which means I will not be having any spontaneous miraculous pregnancies. I have over the years hoped for one and prayed for one so many times.
This made me remember 5 years ago when I was pregnant...how in the world did that even happen? My issues make it hard to conceive, my dear hubby's make them even harder, so hard that they said we can't even do regular IVF but need to do a special form of it called ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection). It was like we had this amazing miracle but we didn't know it was a miracle...then it was gone so quickly never to happen again.
I am thankful for that short experience of being pregnant. I remember getting the positive test at home and telling Michael. I remember going to the doctor and getting the call at work that confirmed I was pregnant. I remember telling our parents. I remember going shopping for a vehicle with Mike's friend thinking our Neon might be too small for us one day. I remember thinking how great our dog Shadow would be with a baby. I remember going out with my friend Elana thinking about how our kids would be close in age and could grow up friends like we had. I remember thinking how cool it would be to be pregnant on Mother's Day.
We lost our baby a week after finding out about her (or him I don't know). It was April 17 on my mom's birthday on a Sunday. I went to her house to tell her what happened then went home. The doctor said miscarriage was very common and there was no reason to think I wouldn't be pregnant again soon. Month after month after month after year after year after year it has not happened. Six Mothers Days have gone by. Our dog died a few years ago, our new dog is a year and a half. My friend's son is 6 now. We did get a bigger car, had it for 3 years, the lease ended and we've got another one. We've celebrated 13 years of marriage this year.
This made me remember 5 years ago when I was pregnant...how in the world did that even happen? My issues make it hard to conceive, my dear hubby's make them even harder, so hard that they said we can't even do regular IVF but need to do a special form of it called ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection). It was like we had this amazing miracle but we didn't know it was a miracle...then it was gone so quickly never to happen again.
I am thankful for that short experience of being pregnant. I remember getting the positive test at home and telling Michael. I remember going to the doctor and getting the call at work that confirmed I was pregnant. I remember telling our parents. I remember going shopping for a vehicle with Mike's friend thinking our Neon might be too small for us one day. I remember thinking how great our dog Shadow would be with a baby. I remember going out with my friend Elana thinking about how our kids would be close in age and could grow up friends like we had. I remember thinking how cool it would be to be pregnant on Mother's Day.
We lost our baby a week after finding out about her (or him I don't know). It was April 17 on my mom's birthday on a Sunday. I went to her house to tell her what happened then went home. The doctor said miscarriage was very common and there was no reason to think I wouldn't be pregnant again soon. Month after month after month after year after year after year it has not happened. Six Mothers Days have gone by. Our dog died a few years ago, our new dog is a year and a half. My friend's son is 6 now. We did get a bigger car, had it for 3 years, the lease ended and we've got another one. We've celebrated 13 years of marriage this year.
Friday, June 18, 2010
ahh the irony!
Well cycle day one is finally here! I emailed the clinical coordinator who is apparently not into today so hopefully the other person she said to email will send my requisition to the lab. I'm supposed to go for bloodwork on day 2-5 so Mondy I guess I'll be back at the lab....they're going to be seeing lots more of me I think.
And now for the irony...on Sunday I get to start taking birthcontrol pills! This step one in the whole IVF protocol. It gives the doctor the ability to "manipulate my cycle" and suppress my ovaries. Yes a man I've never met said he wants me to take pills to "manipulate you" and I said "hey sure no prob" LOL it's fine given the context. Anyways in order for my dear hubby to possibly be a father next Fathers Day, this Fathers Day I start taking birthcontrol pills....how strange!
So we're really starting this whole thing. After the bloodwork on Monday I think they figure out the whole rest of our protocol. Next will come injections of a drug to help supress my ovaries then later more injections to stimulate them to produce lots of follicles. Yes I am nervous about the injections!! Maybe I'll feel better when we get to talk to the clinic about the whole protocol and all the steps. Ok no wait I was supposed to take this one step at a time.. ok yeah I can take a birth control pill...trying not to think about the rest of it!
And now for the irony...on Sunday I get to start taking birthcontrol pills! This step one in the whole IVF protocol. It gives the doctor the ability to "manipulate my cycle" and suppress my ovaries. Yes a man I've never met said he wants me to take pills to "manipulate you" and I said "hey sure no prob" LOL it's fine given the context. Anyways in order for my dear hubby to possibly be a father next Fathers Day, this Fathers Day I start taking birthcontrol pills....how strange!
So we're really starting this whole thing. After the bloodwork on Monday I think they figure out the whole rest of our protocol. Next will come injections of a drug to help supress my ovaries then later more injections to stimulate them to produce lots of follicles. Yes I am nervous about the injections!! Maybe I'll feel better when we get to talk to the clinic about the whole protocol and all the steps. Ok no wait I was supposed to take this one step at a time.. ok yeah I can take a birth control pill...trying not to think about the rest of it!
Monday, June 14, 2010
My mom
Well my mom is very supportive of our plans and wants to know the latest updates. She had her children in the 60s and 70s and doesn't know anything about all high tech fertility treatments out there. She hates it when I use abbreviations so I try not to but I still forget and say IVF and pcos...she's caught on to IVF I think!
The other day she was asking me about how some of the things would work and then she was asking if I'd have to refridgerate the medications while we travel. I said I thought maybe but I wasn't sure if the first motel we stay at has a fridge in the room. Mom said I could ask them to put the medication in a motel fridge. I mentioned that there was no way I'd let the meds out of my sight as they are so expensive, mom asked how much they cost. When I told her at least $2000-$3000 she was kinda shocked and said she maybe wouldn't complain about her $25 prescriptions. We're actually fortunate with my pcos I'll likely needs less meds and so have a lower cost than some.
Well mom may not get the details of the treatment but she's a good listener and I'm glad to have her. I haven't talked at all to my father in law about it...wonder what he thinks?
The other day she was asking me about how some of the things would work and then she was asking if I'd have to refridgerate the medications while we travel. I said I thought maybe but I wasn't sure if the first motel we stay at has a fridge in the room. Mom said I could ask them to put the medication in a motel fridge. I mentioned that there was no way I'd let the meds out of my sight as they are so expensive, mom asked how much they cost. When I told her at least $2000-$3000 she was kinda shocked and said she maybe wouldn't complain about her $25 prescriptions. We're actually fortunate with my pcos I'll likely needs less meds and so have a lower cost than some.
Well mom may not get the details of the treatment but she's a good listener and I'm glad to have her. I haven't talked at all to my father in law about it...wonder what he thinks?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I want this to be easy...what are the odds?
Well in the past things never go well with trying have children. Getting preganant ended badly. Going to the fertility clinic for testing ended badly. Our adoption homestudy was not a good experience but ended happily with us being an approved waiting family THEN the agency closed so that ended badly too. Soo here in our IVF journey I just want everything to be smooth and easy...what are the odds of that happening?
Well so far so good! We got an appointment at the Victoria Fertility Centre within two weeks of our first call to them. We were told we could start treatment whenever we wanted. My mom gave us some money to help with the cost. I had no icky side effects of taking metformin 3X/day. I've lost some weight. All our appointments have been scheduled at convenient times. Hubby successfully completed all his tests. Alberta Healthcare paid for the genetic tests. My ultrasound looked good and now the clinic just called and said I ovulated! YAY....this mean cycle day one will come on its own, I can start birth control pills, then on to the drugs, drugs, drugs!
Maybe this is going to be ok after all.
Well so far so good! We got an appointment at the Victoria Fertility Centre within two weeks of our first call to them. We were told we could start treatment whenever we wanted. My mom gave us some money to help with the cost. I had no icky side effects of taking metformin 3X/day. I've lost some weight. All our appointments have been scheduled at convenient times. Hubby successfully completed all his tests. Alberta Healthcare paid for the genetic tests. My ultrasound looked good and now the clinic just called and said I ovulated! YAY....this mean cycle day one will come on its own, I can start birth control pills, then on to the drugs, drugs, drugs!
Maybe this is going to be ok after all.
Ok body...get with the plan!
Well the next step is supposed to be to email the clinic on day one of my next cycle, then they'll send the requisition to the lab for more bloodwork on day 3 and I'll start birth control pills on day 3 too. Apparently my body is not into the plan as it's day 47 with no day one in sight. I asked what to do as the whole thing needs to be timed with our not flexible travel dates. (ie huge deposit on accomodation paid).
They said my ultrasound looked like I was about to ovulate but the doctor wanted my to go for bloodwork to confirm. Sooo off I went to the lab again in the morning. It's funny cause the last time I had bloodwork they took lots of vials as I was having a gazillion things tested and it was fine leaving me thinking this is ok, needles aren't so bad maybe I can stick some in my own body. But the little test for one thing with one little vial of blood was uggh. I wasn't watching but it felt like a whole lot of poking and turning and ouch. When I flinched the lady told me not to move my arm...kind hard to do with that ole pain response thing your body has! Ah well maybe it was her technique...I'm sure mine will be muuuch better right?
At least there were no spiders present!
Well now to wait for the results and the plan and hopefully talk to the doctor again, find out the rest of the test results and what we do next. It's all getting close...they'll be shipping the meds next month....we're really doing this!
They said my ultrasound looked like I was about to ovulate but the doctor wanted my to go for bloodwork to confirm. Sooo off I went to the lab again in the morning. It's funny cause the last time I had bloodwork they took lots of vials as I was having a gazillion things tested and it was fine leaving me thinking this is ok, needles aren't so bad maybe I can stick some in my own body. But the little test for one thing with one little vial of blood was uggh. I wasn't watching but it felt like a whole lot of poking and turning and ouch. When I flinched the lady told me not to move my arm...kind hard to do with that ole pain response thing your body has! Ah well maybe it was her technique...I'm sure mine will be muuuch better right?
At least there were no spiders present!
Well now to wait for the results and the plan and hopefully talk to the doctor again, find out the rest of the test results and what we do next. It's all getting close...they'll be shipping the meds next month....we're really doing this!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Ultrasounds and Spiders
I had an ultrasound the other day. The kind where they tell you to drink 32 oz of water an hour before your appointment then they make you wait while you feel like you're going to die if you don't pee then they bring you in and poke your bladder. Soo remembering last time I decided forget it I'm not following instructions. This is big as I always follow instructions and I had a secret fear that if I drank less water or not as much before hand as they said, then I would get there and they'd say my bladder wasn't full enough for what they needed. But in the end I drank less and only 45 minutes before to account for the inevitable waiting in the office. It felt easier than the last time so I'm glad I did that as it was still hard to wait.
Soo while I was waiting and trying not to pee I tried to skim a magazine. They had one about reproduction which I rarely see in a waiting area so I checked it out. There was an article about positive thinking helping with fertility. They actually suggested you look in the mirror and say "I am a vibrant fertile woman".....Seriously??? Ok well I'm all for being positive but I'm pretty sure this isn't the cure for my and his issues. It did make me laugh though! That sure would be cheaper than IVF!
The ultrasound was relatively fine which is good to know as I'm sure it is the first of many. It was a nice clinic in Millwoods but there was a MASSIVE spider in the bathroom. The ultrasound lady was nice and killed it for me! Good for her...I think spiders are yuck!
I got an email from the fertility clinic saying "the ultrasound looked good!!!". Excellent as I had a secret fear that they would find something wrong that would delay the IVF. Ok can you tell I have a few secret fears about the whole thing? I am learning to trust God each step sooo good learning experience.
Soo while I was waiting and trying not to pee I tried to skim a magazine. They had one about reproduction which I rarely see in a waiting area so I checked it out. There was an article about positive thinking helping with fertility. They actually suggested you look in the mirror and say "I am a vibrant fertile woman".....Seriously??? Ok well I'm all for being positive but I'm pretty sure this isn't the cure for my and his issues. It did make me laugh though! That sure would be cheaper than IVF!
The ultrasound was relatively fine which is good to know as I'm sure it is the first of many. It was a nice clinic in Millwoods but there was a MASSIVE spider in the bathroom. The ultrasound lady was nice and killed it for me! Good for her...I think spiders are yuck!
I got an email from the fertility clinic saying "the ultrasound looked good!!!". Excellent as I had a secret fear that they would find something wrong that would delay the IVF. Ok can you tell I have a few secret fears about the whole thing? I am learning to trust God each step sooo good learning experience.
Two ways to have a baby
Well I was thinking about our potential path to having a baby through IVF versus the "normal way" that most people have a baby. Sooo most people who want to conceive a baby just have sex around the time of ovulation and if all goes well sperm meets egg and voila conception happens.
Our journey is a bit more complicated. Here's how we hope to conceive a child...
March: start researching the best fertility clinics in western Canada.
April: choose the Victoria Fertility Centre and call for information. First consult with doctor over the phone
May: get prescriptions and requistions for tests in the mail. Start metformin 3 times/day, start pcos friendly eating plan, go for bloodwork for every imaginable thing from genetic tests to HIV to hormone levels, physical for hubby, etc etc.
Book accomodations in Victoria, start figuring out how to pay for everything
June: book kennel for puppy, book ferry for busy long weekend, get ultrasound done, set up plan to have medical expenses go through my company, start birth control pills to suppress normal cycle, go for more bloodwork.
July start injectible fertility drugs...yes I have to give them to myself.
August: drive to Kamloops, stay over night, drive to Vancouver, take the ferry to Victoria,
Continue injections, go for daily monitoring at clinic, do some fun stuff inbetween people checking out my uterus, take shot to trigger ovulation, get looped up on drugs so my eggs can be retrieved from my ovaries, have hubby's sperm injected into eggs to make embryos (yay conception!), wait while embryos are cultured (allowed to grow) for 3-5 days, get reports on embryo development, meet with doctor to decide how many embryos to transfer and what to do with any extra ones, have one or two embryos transfered back into me, enjoy resting while hubby treats me like a princess for a few days and then drive back 15 hours to pick up the puppy and get home. Then wait for 2 weeks and go for bloodtest to see if I'm pregnant.
Sooo slightly more complicated but it's funny that this seems totally normal to me like this is just how you have a child. The whole have sex and make a baby thing just seems like a myth to me!!
Our journey is a bit more complicated. Here's how we hope to conceive a child...
March: start researching the best fertility clinics in western Canada.
April: choose the Victoria Fertility Centre and call for information. First consult with doctor over the phone
May: get prescriptions and requistions for tests in the mail. Start metformin 3 times/day, start pcos friendly eating plan, go for bloodwork for every imaginable thing from genetic tests to HIV to hormone levels, physical for hubby, etc etc.
Book accomodations in Victoria, start figuring out how to pay for everything
June: book kennel for puppy, book ferry for busy long weekend, get ultrasound done, set up plan to have medical expenses go through my company, start birth control pills to suppress normal cycle, go for more bloodwork.
July start injectible fertility drugs...yes I have to give them to myself.
August: drive to Kamloops, stay over night, drive to Vancouver, take the ferry to Victoria,
Continue injections, go for daily monitoring at clinic, do some fun stuff inbetween people checking out my uterus, take shot to trigger ovulation, get looped up on drugs so my eggs can be retrieved from my ovaries, have hubby's sperm injected into eggs to make embryos (yay conception!), wait while embryos are cultured (allowed to grow) for 3-5 days, get reports on embryo development, meet with doctor to decide how many embryos to transfer and what to do with any extra ones, have one or two embryos transfered back into me, enjoy resting while hubby treats me like a princess for a few days and then drive back 15 hours to pick up the puppy and get home. Then wait for 2 weeks and go for bloodtest to see if I'm pregnant.
Sooo slightly more complicated but it's funny that this seems totally normal to me like this is just how you have a child. The whole have sex and make a baby thing just seems like a myth to me!!
First blog ever
Well I'm a contemplator and a writer so I thought a blog would be a good way to express all the many thoughts I'm having on our journey to hopeful parenthood. I don't know if I'll share this with anyone or just keep it for my own memories of this time.
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