Letting go of Timelines

I remember a loong time ago when I hoped to have my first child by the time I was 30.
I remember on Mother's Day 2005 when I'd a miscarriage a few weeks before. I hoped to have another baby or at least be pregnant by the next Mother's Day. I did not have a baby in 2005 or 2006 or 2007 or 2008 or 2009. On Mother's Day 2010 I was so excited to be starting IVF# 1 soon. I really hoped for it to work so I would have a baby that year. I didn't happen in 2010 and it won't be happening in 2011 either.

You know what? I don't care about any timelines anymore. If I am so blessed to give birth to a baby in 2012 I will be thrilled....who cares how old I am!

This Mother's Day I will remember that I'm a mother of 5 precious little ones in heavan and I hope that by some miracle I will one day have a little one in our home.

Lessons Learned

Well this past year of doing these treatments has been so much harder than I ever would have thought. The loss of IVF embryos is so painful it actually feels the same as the miscarriage I had. No one else in my life my get it but to me losing those little ones hurts as much whether they implant or not. When I see them on screen, I know they have all their DNA, their gender, they are alive, and they have already been growing each day. Each day they are inside of me I hope for them, and pray for them, and wonder what they will grow up to be. With our loss at 7 weeks the doctor called it a miscarriage, people said "sorry for your loss", When one of our embryos implanted in October and we got a brief positive, the doctor called a chemical pregnancy, when we lost 2 embryos in January that never implanted at all the doctor called a failed IVF. All the experiences felt exactly the same to me. I actually knew about our IVF embryos being there inside me for longer than I knew about the baby we lost at 7 weeks...that one I only knew about for 1 week.

The grief and sadness of all of these losses was the same but I never felt like I could talk about it to anyone. Then a few weeks ago I was online connecting with other womne who have been through the same thing and we were talking about the loss of IVF embryos and other pregnancy losses. They too felt the same as me and I felt better just knowing my feelings were normal. I still feel sad over the losses and I know it's ok. They were not just embryos, they were a miraculous product of my husband and I, they were our children and I wanted them to live.

Anxiety?

I'm normally a pretty hopeful and easy going person but I must admit that this IVF stuff has been making me very anxious. I can start feeling anxious and then it can last for days and be there 24/7.

I was feeling ok until I had my phone consult with the doctor last week. The conversation was ok and then after I got off the phone with him I felt very anxious...it actually surprised me. It was the same a few days later when I went to the phamacy to order my meds and they gave me a huge bag of needles. What put me way over the edge was reading online about the endometrial biopsy and some people's very bad experiences with it. This brought on full on panic, I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I'm sooo anxious and nothing I can do will bring it down not prayer or anything else. The anxiety was there all the time and I know my thoughts were not helping at all. I tried to pray and figure out how to deal with it but I wasn't getting anywhere.

This week met with a counselor to get some strategies to deal with anxiety. She is Christian psychologist and she actually was really helpful in giving me some practical strategies to deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety, my thoughts, and how my faith relates.

It felt better just to know there were somethings to try, I started trying them in the night when I woke up and couldn't sleep. I did some of the breathing exercises, and other techniques that slowed and calmed me down, then focused on the things that I know and are good about myself, my life, and Jesus...who he is in my life.

The anxiety is sitll there but way less so that's good! We decided I'd meet with her again only if I felt I needed it. Hopefully I won't end up back there in a couple of months asking for help with processsing grief!!

Well it's a day off today (Good Friday) and time to focus my thoughts on Jesus my awesome saviour who gave his life for mine!

Where is the Lord in all this?

People who know me know that I believe in Jesus and worship the Lord. Recently my mom was telling me that some of her friends who aren't believers have been asking her about why if I worship God and believe in Him and pray for this to work, why isn't it? They are basically trying to say God isn't real or isn't helping me.

It has been hard each time I have prayed for my little embryos to live and grow and they have not. It's more than hard actually, it's devastating to lose them and to feel like God could have helped them to live but did not. I really don't understand, but very painful and difficult things happen all the time to all kinds of people even those that worship the Lord and pray for his help.

Even though each time in my pain and grief I have questioned my faith and felt like I had none left, at the same time I have also felt His comfort and love close to me. I'm not sure what he's doing in this area of my life but I do still believe that he loves me and he is with me and he is good.

It is however scary to think about doing this again. I know when I see my next two embryos I will pray for them to grow and live inside of me. How can I not? They are a miraculous product of my husband and I, they are our children.

Round 4!

Well it looks like we're going to try again. My test results are back, I have slight immune issues and a prothrombin gene mutation that causes clotting problems. The solution to this is to have the sonohysterogram and biopsy in May along with an IV intralipids infusion. Then in June I'll start aspirin, estrace, and twice daily heparin injections for a coulple of weeks, then head out to BC for ultrasound/bloodwork/visit to my friend in Vancouver. If all looks good I get to also add in cipro, medrol, and prometrium, of course still continuing the synthroid, metformin, estrace, aspirin, heparin and prenatal vitamins. Yes it will apparently take TEN medications, one biopsy, and two intralipid infusions for me to have a baby. Not exactly natural huh?


I've been totally freaked out about the endometrial biopsy after reading some women's horror story experiences online. Why in the world would a doctor think it's a good idea to do a biopsy with no meds offered except 'take a few advil before you come'. Some women find it not too bad but so far all my other experiences with people poking at my cervix/uterus/ovaries have been alot worse than described. So when this one is actually described as painful in the literature they sent me I pretty much panicked. Nothing like worrying about something a month ahead of time!!

I felt like my doctor would think i was being silly but I emailed him to tell him I felt anxious about it. I emailed him on Saturday night and he replied back on Sunday morning....how awesome is that! He was actually very nice and said I could come in an hour before my appointment and get some ativan, tylenol, and gravol. Hopefully this makes it ok!

The anxiety I'm feeling with this cycle is not good. I felt sick after I talked to the doctor to set up my timelines, then again when i went to the pharmacy to order my meds. I'm going to try not to think about it so much and fill my mind with good things. Psalm 23 has helped me out lately....it's like an anti-anxiety Psalm for me at the moment.

The Journey Continues

Well round 3 ended badly too. We transferred two more apparently perfect embryos on January 27 and on February 8 we got the pregnancy test results-Negative. Two more gone and six still waiting for us. I've had a bit of time now to process what happened but initially it was very devastating.

My doctor said since we've now transfered 4 good quality embryos and everything looked good inside me that he's wondering if my immune system is preventing the embryos from implanting. So off I went for more bloodwork. The first lab said i had to go to the hospital, the hospital said I had to come back when I was fasting (even though my doctor had said I didn't). Eventually on the 3rd try I was able to get about 20 vials of blood taken. The doctor got my results and everything looked ok. I had two immune related areas that were very slightly elevated which may or may not indicate a problem. Dr. H. said though that the treatments for immune issues don't pose any risk so we may as well do it all at this point.

So the new plan is for me to chart my daily temps and email it to him, talk again in a month to plan out the timeline. I'll have to go to Victoria for a sonohysterogram, and biopsy which will check for inflammation and help implantation, and also get an IV intralpid infusion which lowers the immune system to also help implantation. Then I'll come home and start the meds for the next transfer. Then I'll go back to Victoria the next month, have the embryo transfer, another intralipid infusion, and start Heparin injections until the pregnancy test.

The good thing is I'm totally over my needle phobia. Not over my endometrial biopsy with only advil for pain relief phobia though!!

I must say I'm very happy with Dr. H. He is always available by email and phone and it feels like he's willing to take all the time I need even when I know he's super busy getting ready go out of town. He's also so easy and comfortable to talk to. Too bad he's a plane ride away!

Well I've pretty much lost all enthusiasm for fertility treatments at this point. I'm in it still because of our embryos, I do want them to make it but I'm losing hope that they will.

Harder than I thought

Years of infertility has been difficult, but now IVF is harder than I would have thought. It sometimes feels like everything we have ever done to have a child doesn't turn out very well. Getting pregnant ended with miscarriage, adoption ended with the agency closing, IVF rounds one and two ended with complications and loss of embryos.

I'm sure if we have a child one day through all this we will think it was so worth it, but right now it doesn't feel that way. My hubby suggests we just kidnap our niece and nephew instead...hhhmm they are great kids but their mom might notice :)

Well 12 day of Suprefact injections done...21 more days to go.

Happy New Year.