At my doctor's request I have been taking prenatal vitamins since last May. Other pills I can stop in between treatment cycles but the prenatal vitamins must be continued. Well it's now been an entire year of them! I must admit I'm not very enthusiastic about taking them any more. I started off taking the 3 times a day one that the guy at the health food store said were really good. Once I saw what it was like to be taking 9 other pills 2-5 times a day plus injections I decided that once a day Centrum materna vitamins were a better idea. I'm now on to random cheapo once a days. Seeing at bottle of prenatal vitamins when you've unsuccessful been trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant for 7 years is kind of depressing. Ok well then optimistic me says at least they're good for me regardless!
I'm also exhausted all the time and I can't sleep. I feel like going to sleep at 7pm every day. This must be what it feels like when you're pregnant or have a new baby that doesn't sleep at night...except I don't.
Ok well this is one of the most depressing blog posts I've written....just ramblings of a woman who needs to go to sleep! 8:15 pm...good night.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Gene mutations?
My doctor recently let me know that he got more test results back and I have the prothrombin gene mutation which puts me at risk for developing a deep vein thrombis and higher risk for miscarriage and other pregnancy complications.
I did some reading about it and found out that it mainly occurs in Caucasian people and is most common in Spain. I inherited this mutation from one of my parents and they are both from Spain....how interesting. The good thing is that it is treatable with injections of Heparin which is a blood thinner. My doctor was going to have me on heparin anyways but now I get to start it sooner and if I should get pregnant I'll be staying on it I think.
I am not a fan of more injections but I am very happy to know about this problem and will gladly do them if it means helping the embyos implant and helping a pregnancy to continue.
I did some reading about it and found out that it mainly occurs in Caucasian people and is most common in Spain. I inherited this mutation from one of my parents and they are both from Spain....how interesting. The good thing is that it is treatable with injections of Heparin which is a blood thinner. My doctor was going to have me on heparin anyways but now I get to start it sooner and if I should get pregnant I'll be staying on it I think.
I am not a fan of more injections but I am very happy to know about this problem and will gladly do them if it means helping the embyos implant and helping a pregnancy to continue.
Why am I doing this?
Sometimes I think I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard and just ends in more pain and loss. So why am I doing this for the 4th time? I think the only reason now is for our 6 embryos. They are precious little lives that I hope will make it into our arms. If not for them I think I'd be so done with this treatment.
But here we go....round 4 is coming soon! The doctor was so happy I was ovulating last month so he suggested we try to get pregnant on our own. The chances of that are slim but I thought ok if he thinks so and well God can do anything right? I didn't tell anyone but I secretely prayed for a miraculous natural pregnancy. Well no such luck. My doctor instructed me to take my temperature every morning, last month I had a nice clear ovulatory pattern-YAY. This month it was all over the place, i had some hope that maybe the temps were just off due to some irregular sleeping so I asked the clinic what to do and they sent me for bloodwork. The blood work on Friday showed I'm not ovulating at all now and several hormones are too high or too low. The solution for all this is of course MORE MEDICATIONS and birth control pills again. For someone who is trying to get pregnant I sure do take a lot of birth control pills!
The only nice thing about birth control pills is that it makes the timing of everything way easier. I will be flying back to Victoria on May 31 for my appointment on June 1st to have some lovely procedures that are supposed to help my embryos implant. Then back home to start the estrace and heparin injections on June 7th. I just realized that May 31st is our 14th wedding anniversary. Nothing like going alone to a fertility clinic so another man can investigate your uterus instead of celebrating your anniversary with your husband!! Ok well at least it gives us some kind of way grow our family and we can of course celebrate the anniversary on the 30th instead.
They say a mother will do anything for her children...well if we are so blessed to have one of these embryos make it into our arms I guess it will have started long before their birth. Oh Lord please let our little ones live and grow and grow and grow!!
But here we go....round 4 is coming soon! The doctor was so happy I was ovulating last month so he suggested we try to get pregnant on our own. The chances of that are slim but I thought ok if he thinks so and well God can do anything right? I didn't tell anyone but I secretely prayed for a miraculous natural pregnancy. Well no such luck. My doctor instructed me to take my temperature every morning, last month I had a nice clear ovulatory pattern-YAY. This month it was all over the place, i had some hope that maybe the temps were just off due to some irregular sleeping so I asked the clinic what to do and they sent me for bloodwork. The blood work on Friday showed I'm not ovulating at all now and several hormones are too high or too low. The solution for all this is of course MORE MEDICATIONS and birth control pills again. For someone who is trying to get pregnant I sure do take a lot of birth control pills!
The only nice thing about birth control pills is that it makes the timing of everything way easier. I will be flying back to Victoria on May 31 for my appointment on June 1st to have some lovely procedures that are supposed to help my embryos implant. Then back home to start the estrace and heparin injections on June 7th. I just realized that May 31st is our 14th wedding anniversary. Nothing like going alone to a fertility clinic so another man can investigate your uterus instead of celebrating your anniversary with your husband!! Ok well at least it gives us some kind of way grow our family and we can of course celebrate the anniversary on the 30th instead.
They say a mother will do anything for her children...well if we are so blessed to have one of these embryos make it into our arms I guess it will have started long before their birth. Oh Lord please let our little ones live and grow and grow and grow!!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Letting go of Timelines
I remember a loong time ago when I hoped to have my first child by the time I was 30.
I remember on Mother's Day 2005 when I'd a miscarriage a few weeks before. I hoped to have another baby or at least be pregnant by the next Mother's Day. I did not have a baby in 2005 or 2006 or 2007 or 2008 or 2009. On Mother's Day 2010 I was so excited to be starting IVF# 1 soon. I really hoped for it to work so I would have a baby that year. I didn't happen in 2010 and it won't be happening in 2011 either.
You know what? I don't care about any timelines anymore. If I am so blessed to give birth to a baby in 2012 I will be thrilled....who cares how old I am!
This Mother's Day I will remember that I'm a mother of 5 precious little ones in heavan and I hope that by some miracle I will one day have a little one in our home.
I remember on Mother's Day 2005 when I'd a miscarriage a few weeks before. I hoped to have another baby or at least be pregnant by the next Mother's Day. I did not have a baby in 2005 or 2006 or 2007 or 2008 or 2009. On Mother's Day 2010 I was so excited to be starting IVF# 1 soon. I really hoped for it to work so I would have a baby that year. I didn't happen in 2010 and it won't be happening in 2011 either.
You know what? I don't care about any timelines anymore. If I am so blessed to give birth to a baby in 2012 I will be thrilled....who cares how old I am!
This Mother's Day I will remember that I'm a mother of 5 precious little ones in heavan and I hope that by some miracle I will one day have a little one in our home.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Lessons Learned
Well this past year of doing these treatments has been so much harder than I ever would have thought. The loss of IVF embryos is so painful it actually feels the same as the miscarriage I had. No one else in my life my get it but to me losing those little ones hurts as much whether they implant or not. When I see them on screen, I know they have all their DNA, their gender, they are alive, and they have already been growing each day. Each day they are inside of me I hope for them, and pray for them, and wonder what they will grow up to be. With our loss at 7 weeks the doctor called it a miscarriage, people said "sorry for your loss", When one of our embryos implanted in October and we got a brief positive, the doctor called a chemical pregnancy, when we lost 2 embryos in January that never implanted at all the doctor called a failed IVF. All the experiences felt exactly the same to me. I actually knew about our IVF embryos being there inside me for longer than I knew about the baby we lost at 7 weeks...that one I only knew about for 1 week.
The grief and sadness of all of these losses was the same but I never felt like I could talk about it to anyone. Then a few weeks ago I was online connecting with other womne who have been through the same thing and we were talking about the loss of IVF embryos and other pregnancy losses. They too felt the same as me and I felt better just knowing my feelings were normal. I still feel sad over the losses and I know it's ok. They were not just embryos, they were a miraculous product of my husband and I, they were our children and I wanted them to live.
The grief and sadness of all of these losses was the same but I never felt like I could talk about it to anyone. Then a few weeks ago I was online connecting with other womne who have been through the same thing and we were talking about the loss of IVF embryos and other pregnancy losses. They too felt the same as me and I felt better just knowing my feelings were normal. I still feel sad over the losses and I know it's ok. They were not just embryos, they were a miraculous product of my husband and I, they were our children and I wanted them to live.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Anxiety?
I'm normally a pretty hopeful and easy going person but I must admit that this IVF stuff has been making me very anxious. I can start feeling anxious and then it can last for days and be there 24/7.
I was feeling ok until I had my phone consult with the doctor last week. The conversation was ok and then after I got off the phone with him I felt very anxious...it actually surprised me. It was the same a few days later when I went to the phamacy to order my meds and they gave me a huge bag of needles. What put me way over the edge was reading online about the endometrial biopsy and some people's very bad experiences with it. This brought on full on panic, I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I'm sooo anxious and nothing I can do will bring it down not prayer or anything else. The anxiety was there all the time and I know my thoughts were not helping at all. I tried to pray and figure out how to deal with it but I wasn't getting anywhere.
This week met with a counselor to get some strategies to deal with anxiety. She is Christian psychologist and she actually was really helpful in giving me some practical strategies to deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety, my thoughts, and how my faith relates.
It felt better just to know there were somethings to try, I started trying them in the night when I woke up and couldn't sleep. I did some of the breathing exercises, and other techniques that slowed and calmed me down, then focused on the things that I know and are good about myself, my life, and Jesus...who he is in my life.
The anxiety is sitll there but way less so that's good! We decided I'd meet with her again only if I felt I needed it. Hopefully I won't end up back there in a couple of months asking for help with processsing grief!!
Well it's a day off today (Good Friday) and time to focus my thoughts on Jesus my awesome saviour who gave his life for mine!
I was feeling ok until I had my phone consult with the doctor last week. The conversation was ok and then after I got off the phone with him I felt very anxious...it actually surprised me. It was the same a few days later when I went to the phamacy to order my meds and they gave me a huge bag of needles. What put me way over the edge was reading online about the endometrial biopsy and some people's very bad experiences with it. This brought on full on panic, I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I'm sooo anxious and nothing I can do will bring it down not prayer or anything else. The anxiety was there all the time and I know my thoughts were not helping at all. I tried to pray and figure out how to deal with it but I wasn't getting anywhere.
This week met with a counselor to get some strategies to deal with anxiety. She is Christian psychologist and she actually was really helpful in giving me some practical strategies to deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety, my thoughts, and how my faith relates.
It felt better just to know there were somethings to try, I started trying them in the night when I woke up and couldn't sleep. I did some of the breathing exercises, and other techniques that slowed and calmed me down, then focused on the things that I know and are good about myself, my life, and Jesus...who he is in my life.
The anxiety is sitll there but way less so that's good! We decided I'd meet with her again only if I felt I needed it. Hopefully I won't end up back there in a couple of months asking for help with processsing grief!!
Well it's a day off today (Good Friday) and time to focus my thoughts on Jesus my awesome saviour who gave his life for mine!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Where is the Lord in all this?
People who know me know that I believe in Jesus and worship the Lord. Recently my mom was telling me that some of her friends who aren't believers have been asking her about why if I worship God and believe in Him and pray for this to work, why isn't it? They are basically trying to say God isn't real or isn't helping me.
It has been hard each time I have prayed for my little embryos to live and grow and they have not. It's more than hard actually, it's devastating to lose them and to feel like God could have helped them to live but did not. I really don't understand, but very painful and difficult things happen all the time to all kinds of people even those that worship the Lord and pray for his help.
Even though each time in my pain and grief I have questioned my faith and felt like I had none left, at the same time I have also felt His comfort and love close to me. I'm not sure what he's doing in this area of my life but I do still believe that he loves me and he is with me and he is good.
It is however scary to think about doing this again. I know when I see my next two embryos I will pray for them to grow and live inside of me. How can I not? They are a miraculous product of my husband and I, they are our children.
It has been hard each time I have prayed for my little embryos to live and grow and they have not. It's more than hard actually, it's devastating to lose them and to feel like God could have helped them to live but did not. I really don't understand, but very painful and difficult things happen all the time to all kinds of people even those that worship the Lord and pray for his help.
Even though each time in my pain and grief I have questioned my faith and felt like I had none left, at the same time I have also felt His comfort and love close to me. I'm not sure what he's doing in this area of my life but I do still believe that he loves me and he is with me and he is good.
It is however scary to think about doing this again. I know when I see my next two embryos I will pray for them to grow and live inside of me. How can I not? They are a miraculous product of my husband and I, they are our children.
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