Why am I doing this?

Sometimes I think I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard and just ends in more pain and loss. So why am I doing this for the 4th time? I think the only reason now is for our 6 embryos. They are precious little lives that I hope will make it into our arms. If not for them I think I'd be so done with this treatment.

But here we go....round 4 is coming soon! The doctor was so happy I was ovulating last month so he suggested we try to get pregnant on our own. The chances of that are slim but I thought ok if he thinks so and well God can do anything right? I didn't tell anyone but I secretely prayed for a miraculous natural pregnancy. Well no such luck. My doctor instructed me to take my temperature every morning, last month I had a nice clear ovulatory pattern-YAY. This month it was all over the place, i had some hope that maybe the temps were just off due to some irregular sleeping so I asked the clinic what to do and they sent me for bloodwork. The blood work on Friday showed I'm not ovulating at all now and several hormones are too high or too low. The solution for all this is of course MORE MEDICATIONS and birth control pills again. For someone who is trying to get pregnant I sure do take a lot of birth control pills!

The only nice thing about birth control pills is that it makes the timing of everything way easier. I will be flying back to Victoria on May 31 for my appointment on June 1st to have some lovely procedures that are supposed to help my embryos implant. Then back home to start the estrace and heparin injections on June 7th. I just realized that May 31st is our 14th wedding anniversary. Nothing like going alone to a fertility clinic so another man can investigate your uterus instead of celebrating your anniversary with your husband!! Ok well at least it gives us some kind of way grow our family and we can of course celebrate the anniversary on the 30th instead.

They say a mother will do anything for her children...well if we are so blessed to have one of these embryos make it into our arms I guess it will have started long before their birth. Oh Lord please let our little ones live and grow and grow and grow!!